one-day flu & search for a swimsuit

I’ve been getting the flu shot for years, and I sorta thought that I wasn’t being exposed to the flu, when I didn’t get sick. Well…this year, a bumper crop of people with the flu decided to come to work, and I caught it. The amazing thing was, I only had it for a day. Yesterday, I woke up feeling like the achiest pile of bones on Earth, wondering what the hell had happened to me, and I went back to sleep. By noon or so, I had a temperature of 101, and still hurt like hell, so decided to doze the rest of the day. Woke up this morning, still feeling like I’d been beaten or something, and didn’t go to work, but it’s 10pm now, and I feel…ok, really. Weird. Guess that shot works, in other words. My immune system had something to go on.

I’m bummed, though, that I lost another personal day to sickness…I was out Friday (as was at least half the company) because of the snow. Then, I really had to sit down and think about it: if the last year & a half have been about cancer, this year and some months will have to be devoted to getting well again, and vacation days might just have to wait until I actually am healthier.

A getting-ready-for-summer rant:

Do they even MAKE a swimsuit without a bra in it? I’m sure they do, but I haven’t found one. The best I can do is the soft shelf liner, rather than the stupid cups that will do nothing for me.  I spent some time tonight looking for a bathing suit-ish thing that will look ok on me. The problem with this year’s crop of tankinis is that they mostly seem to plunge mightily towards the cleavage area (which wouldn’t be a problem, if I had cleavage), or to cost $300. I found something from Patagonia on Backcountry.com, that’s affordable and not too plunging on top, and looks like a tank top, so we’ll see. Mind you, I went to 10 different websites, and the pickings were slim.  I’m hoping the Patagonia one fits, because: 1)they have a great environmental policy (you can return your ready-for-the-trash synthetics to them for recycling into new clothing), and 2)I’m already tired of looking. (Yes, I know I’ve only been looking for one evening).

My mother asked “Anything for the one-boobed?” And the answer had to be “No.” Which is still ridiculous, and which is why the time is ripe for Rebel1in8 to start dressing her mothers and sisters!

Snow Day!!!

Yes!!

I woke up at 3AM, because the plow was going by, and again at 6AM, and made my phone call to work and knocked around in my pjs until noonish. Then, we suited up, waxed the skis for the first time in 2 years (last year I had my bilateral mastectomy, and wasn’t allowed to ski), and went out there, and did lovely & grueling cross-country skiing. Am I worried that I’m gonna have a lymphedema problem later today? YES. And how. But it felt great to be out there, falling on my ass in the backyard.

We’re totally crappy skiers, and this is mostly due to the once-yearly snowfalls that began the year we bought skis. Basically, we used to have wall-to-wall snow from January to March, and now we get snow once a season, maybe twice. Thanks, global warming. I think the timing is pretty ironic, considering the ski purchase, but hey—the bright side is, our skis and boots and poles are lasting FOREVER.

A year in the can

Yes, kids, we’re coming up on a year since the boobs were cut off (Feb.27th, I think)(I can’t believe I forgot the date already)…it’s hard to believe. There’s a lot to do, since the Second Annual Boob-Eating Day is right at the start of March,and I’ve got to make healthy, vegan and/or raw alternatives to the pink cupcakes from last year’s festivities (although they were delicious…thanks again, Marisa!).  In lieu of actually getting off my lazy, overworked ass to do anything official, I’m just gonna wax rhapsodic about things I am happy about for a moment:

1. In the past year, I’ve seen my friend Jacqueline’s small, defiant business start to blossom, watched her on tv, and got to know her as a person, and that’s been awesome.

2. I’ve gotten connected to a world of wonderful women who are blogging about cancer & life, and who knock me out with their eloquence, courage, and honesty.

3. I haven’t missed my boobs even once. Really.

OK, done. And unfortunately, so is this post, as I am exhausted from running around in the park today.

Wrapping up the week

It’s been a buuuuuusy week! Damn! I can’t believe it’s over already, because it seemed to go on forever, and then snap! it was done. Work’s in high gear, and it’s kind of taking over things presently.

I’m halfway through one of the knitting projects, with another one still on the needles, and I’m insane enough to contemplate a third! Yes, a third, like: cast it on now, and have three piles of yarniness on the coffee table. I’m NUTS.

In other news, as the weeks wind on towards the one year anniversary of the de-boobing operation, I’m seeing more changes in the surgical area. My chest continues to hollow out, and I can see ribs that only people who’ve had mastectomies can see, since everyone else’s are covered by tissue & fat. I wonder, sometimes, what people think, but honestly…I’m trying to forge a path here for some of us to just be fabulous, without boobs (if we want to), so I realize that knowing what other people think might just be discouraging. I still kick around several ideas about tattoos over the area where my breasts were, and I know I’ve got to give the lymphedema a long time to *not* flare up before that’s a reasonable option. Stupid lymphedema!!

It’s late…I have to crash out, or lose too much of the morning to sleep. Goodnight, world!

More DIY, less die

The focus of the blog is clearly shifting away from my cancer exploits & I’m okay with that. It’s a welcome development, and I am amazed to think of all the things I’ve yet to do, that have been waiting for me to get better.

As I write this, I’ve got a big gloop of watery indigo “dough” on my head: I’m on Day 2 of my hair-coloring adventure. Yesterday, I did the henna part, that makes it orange-y, and today, I do the dark blue part, that makes it brown-black. It’s still a fascinating process to me, after well over a year of this method. My hair’s longer than ever, and straighter than ever, and much healthier than it was during the years of chemical processes. Yay.

I’ve got an art project brewing, one that is more high-tech than you might be used to, coming from me, but tied in to craft, so please bear with me as I feel my way with this new idea. It’s QR codes. Right now, I I’m knitting a simple one that I made in black & white fair isle colorwork, aided by the wonderful chart generator at microrevolt. When it’s done, you should be able to take a photo of the block with your cellphone, and if your cellphone reads QR codes, you’ll be taken to diynotdie.com: the URL is embedded in the information in the knitting. My next one will be intarsia, and contain a John Baldessari quote, I think.

This isn’t new technology by any means, but it’s caught my attention, and I want to try doing some art-craft stuff that brings technology and craft together. Companies are using this technology for promotions and stuff like that, but I see huge potential to spread code, patterns, poetry, artwork, prose, etc.

In other news, I’m still struggling with my horrible cold, which has invaded my head & chest, despite repeated doses of Thai food, which usually does the trick for me. Hmmm.

More later…noses to blow, hair to de-goo, you know.

A parting gift from the oncologist:

She gave me her cold!! Can you believe that shit?

(Ahhh, I’m not really mad. Getting to stop going to the oncologist is the real gift. I do wonder, a little bit, if I got sick because I finally, after 1 1/2 years, got to relax for a second…)

Out of the woods

I am now an ex-patient of my hematologist/oncologist.

The CAT scans, X-rays, and quarterly blood tests are now history, rather than future. My blood test was in the normal range, and we all happily said “goodbye! Hope I never have to see you again!”

The mystery lump is still a mystery: doc’s parting words were to keep an eye on it to see if it gets bigger, but she doubted it was anything to worry about. As she put it,”Oncologists aren’t necessarily great lump dectectives…we usually see people after the lump, after the biopsy, after the surgery. It’s all determined by then.” So, I’m to keep a perfunctory watch on it, at the most. Whew!!

We ate tons of sushi & tried to celebrate by shopping, but came home empty-handed (no luck on the sales racks of Century 21).

As we drove home, I realized that I have no appointments scheduled for 6 months. That hasn’t happened in a damn long time.

Excellent!!

yayyyyyyyy!!

One more test down, and one more to go (tomorrow). All my biopsies for my stomach & esophagus came back negative for cancer/precancer, and also negative for H.pylori (the nasty organism responsible for ulcers and [I think] stomach cancers, too)! Yay! Of course, the abrasion in my esophagus is no laughing matter, and I have to take those damn Prevacids every day, but…oh well.

Tomorrow’s the cyst-lump day, and my usual blood tests, to see if my hematocrit has come back down to normal numbers yet. Of all the tests I get, this test freaks me out the most, because I’m very pro-surgery, I think. I mean, getting things cut off is something I take in stride pretty well, at this point…the prospect of leukemia or multiple myeloma, which bow to no knives, scares the bejeezus out of me. Really, I’m hoping that they’ll decide that it’s not something to worry about anymore, and stop testing me. I keep hoping that. And so far, they keep testing.

I’m no seasoned veteran of this whole cancer thing yet, and you know, I don’t really want to be. I’d be content to not collect another hospital ID, or set of scans, or scars, or bills. I keep wondering when this will all be behind me. Maybe that doesn’t happen. I guess I have to be OK with that.

(And on that pensive note, I’m gonna go to sleep)

Size 5 jeans! And dumb-maybe-cancer-maybe-not shit.

Holy crap! I wanted to get some jeans that fit, since I now only have one pair that doesn’t fall off.  I took a bunch of size 7s, hoping they’d fit, into the dressing room, and had to go back and get 5s instead. Now, I’m pretty sure this company’s jeans run a little big, so it may be a paper victory, but whatever. Today, I wore size 5 jeans again.

I showed the maybe-lymph-node-lump below my ankle to my endocrinologist, who believes it is likely a cyst, but still thought that the oncologist should look at it, and get an ultrasound if need be. I’m pretty sure I’m being totally paranoid, but you never know. The strangest of lucky accidents got my cancers diagnosed & dealt with: I’ll be damned if I have a similar chance again, and blow it by ignoring this thing.  But obviously, I’m hoping it’s a cyst. Hope. Hope. Hope. Repeat as needed.

murk!

Back from the endoscopy…it went pretty well, I suppose, except that I’m now on Prevacid for some ulcerations due to my hiatal hernia. They did a biopsy, too, so I’ll be waiting to hear about that sometime next week. I have a bit of a stomach ache now, 4 hours later, which I guess is par for the course.

The new dumb thing in my life is a hard little mystery lump that popped up just below my right ankle: I went to the GP, and he wants me to monitor it, since it might just be a cyst, or it might be a wayward lymph node.  He said, “I’m very glad you came in with this: this is exactly the kind of stuff people with your history are supposed to do.” If it changes in size at all, I have to come back in for a biopsy.

So, we net out at: “neither here nor there”.